Random Thoughts

I’m sitting here this morning listening to the music of The City Harmonic as I process my visit with a parishioner facing major health issues.  Emotions are welling as I remember my mother’s similar struggle that ended 20 years ago this month.  I realize now that I’ve never really dealt with the grief that I felt with mom’s death and I wonder how that has shaped my ministry to the sick and dying in the short time that I have been in a pastoral role.

These thoughts are creeping in as I am trying to finalize my preparations for Holy Week.  Beginning with 2 services on Palm Sunday, Maundy Thursday at Rising Fawn, Good Friday at Sand Mountain, the traditional Good Friday lock-in with the youth (Lord, in your mercy), and ending with the worship celebrations on Easter starting at sunrise.  Holy Week can be a killer… at least it is spiritually and emotionally draining for me.  So, where do I get the strength to do it?  I wish that I could say that my spiritual life and spiritual practices are so strong and deep that I have a tremendous well from which to draw, but I’m afraid that would be a lie.  I’ve fallen into the trap of my Bible reading to be focused on preparation of the sermon and my prayer life  is nowhere near what I want it to be.  I’ve allowed the “busyness” to overcome the Holy and I am diminished by that realization of truth.

I find that I am “preaching faith until I have it,” and encounters like this morning help to orient me back to the foot of the cross, back to the place where I fall to my knees and ask God to give me the strength, because I don’t have it on my own.  I can never have it on my own.  I am too broken, too prideful, and too much of a doofus to do any of this on my own.  Perhaps that is a place where we all need to be:  Acknowledging our dependence upon the One who calls us and equips us to do the work that He has called us to do.